kitty kat....

day 5....

a pack of cigarettes gone. a pool left in my pillow. but still i get up, brush myself off and keeping working. work is what i have right now. it is almost all i have. i just keep on reminding myself that i need to just face forward and not look back, but still i do. it's too hard not.

last night, after my morning of awkwardness and afternoon of great vintage finds, i went out with trish and enjoyed a night of beer, darts and a little 4/20 celebration on a bar patio. usually i would be more weary but i didn't care. i needed something to get the edge off. i still have my mind stuck in the past. on the 3 years that i gave willing to someone who really can't give me what i need. and i don't understand why he can run around with others and not me. i steadily compare as i tear myself down only to build him. its like a game of cat and mouse where i am being dangled by the cat's paw. but more and more i think about it, i am the cat. the cat who just can never catch his prey.

i am not mad at him. i did this to me like he said. and i don't look for pity from him. he isn't capable of it and i don't want it. i don't want him as my boyfriend. he wouldn't be a good one. i just want him in my life but i force him to push me away with my openness and desperation. i just want him there. i just want someone there. but right now, i have to be content alone.

my mom and my sister both said to me recently, "god only gives you as much as you can handle." my mom said she must be a superhero. and i replied that she has always been my superwoman.

i realize more and more that through seeing what she went through in her last relationship (the lies, the cheating, the emotional abuse, the depression) i have taken on her characteristic. she was always strong but in that relationship became a different person. i don't want to be that. i don't want to be a different person. i want to be as strong as i pretend to be. have it all together. whatever that means. i guess i just want it all.

but i know i have many more years to go til that dream....