any time you like....

so right now it is hard for me to focus.

more and more i am realizing that i like pain. almost revel in it perhaps. last night - after what seemed to be a surprisingly good time at the saloon - i went home and just laid there, staring at the ceiling in wonder. not really about anything specific, but just silent thoughts to myself.

today i have been running around town trying to get things figured out for next week and my move coming soon, but now my head is preoccupied. i texted someone i should not have and when i got his new reply as of late of "with matty" i kinda felt a sting. it is like he knows what it does but more so i am disappointed in myself for always going back for more. it is like hope for something else when i know that all i will get is the same thing. the same hurt. the same confusion. more of the usual.

i shouldn't take it so personal but yet and still i do. my head just ponders why i can attempt to be so strong with other things but this i can't shake. luckily i had sunglasses on 'cause i could feel my eyes well up a little and i just put my head down and kept walking. defeated. lost.

see the thing is that i know i have time to get all this crap figured out but instead i want to be at this race car speed that will just get me to the destination i want to get to. i don't want to be famous. i don't want to be rich. i just want to be able to sustain doing what i love and be able to share something with someone else. social status doesn't matter. i am not trying climb any ladders in that realm. if i could, i would stay in everyday, but for me that is not realistic. i can't shelter myself away from the world that much 'cause i need some genuine interaction with other human beings. and sadly that is when you see me out. not that all my interactions when i am out at a bar or party are genuine, but they are something to getting me out of the little hole that i have dug for myself.

so here i sit at a cafe listening to robyn's "any time you like" on repeat, lingering on every word just trying to gain the power back. fine with me if it take a few moments, but it is what i need.....