kitty kat....

day 5....

a pack of cigarettes gone. a pool left in my pillow. but still i get up, brush myself off and keeping working. work is what i have right now. it is almost all i have. i just keep on reminding myself that i need to just face forward and not look back, but still i do. it's too hard not.

last night, after my morning of awkwardness and afternoon of great vintage finds, i went out with trish and enjoyed a night of beer, darts and a little 4/20 celebration on a bar patio. usually i would be more weary but i didn't care. i needed something to get the edge off. i still have my mind stuck in the past. on the 3 years that i gave willing to someone who really can't give me what i need. and i don't understand why he can run around with others and not me. i steadily compare as i tear myself down only to build him. its like a game of cat and mouse where i am being dangled by the cat's paw. but more and more i think about it, i am the cat. the cat who just can never catch his prey.

i am not mad at him. i did this to me like he said. and i don't look for pity from him. he isn't capable of it and i don't want it. i don't want him as my boyfriend. he wouldn't be a good one. i just want him in my life but i force him to push me away with my openness and desperation. i just want him there. i just want someone there. but right now, i have to be content alone.

my mom and my sister both said to me recently, "god only gives you as much as you can handle." my mom said she must be a superhero. and i replied that she has always been my superwoman.

i realize more and more that through seeing what she went through in her last relationship (the lies, the cheating, the emotional abuse, the depression) i have taken on her characteristic. she was always strong but in that relationship became a different person. i don't want to be that. i don't want to be a different person. i want to be as strong as i pretend to be. have it all together. whatever that means. i guess i just want it all.

but i know i have many more years to go til that dream....

chasing pavements...

i am convinced that i am into self torture. well maybe not torture, but definitely into putting myself into awkward situations...

for example, today i had breakfast with a boy that i am attracted to and maybe have minimal interest in, only to go to a place where the guy he is dating works. after many exchanges of oogly eyes between him and the guy he likes, i realized my life is some really weird, kinda sad sitcom....where the main character continually goes through the same events over and over only to keep on search for the impossible. well, maybe not impossible. but definitely the far fetched. well anyhow, i then tagged along with him to buy jeans at urban, only to hear him keep talking about the guy and everything they have done this last week. i am definitely categorizing this into the "friends" commonly. that is an obvious thing to do but funny that i keep on doing this to myself.

besides that, my day has been nothing too special. picked up some vintage hats from lula in st. paul for a fashion show i am helping out with on friday. i must say the hats are amazing and if i was a girl i would rock the black sequined that i saw there. so 70s and gorgeous.

i am such a style geek it is amazing. besides that, here i chill at spyhouse just pondering the rest of my day and what to do. kinda want to go on the search for some sweet overalls or a jumpsuit. want to change up my look a little bit. really just want to chop off all my hair, but my agency won't let me. so instead clothes is the way i must go, but it is something i am already addicted to. it is my only vice i have realized....well that and boys. the ones that are bad for me...

any time you like....

so right now it is hard for me to focus.

more and more i am realizing that i like pain. almost revel in it perhaps. last night - after what seemed to be a surprisingly good time at the saloon - i went home and just laid there, staring at the ceiling in wonder. not really about anything specific, but just silent thoughts to myself.

today i have been running around town trying to get things figured out for next week and my move coming soon, but now my head is preoccupied. i texted someone i should not have and when i got his new reply as of late of "with matty" i kinda felt a sting. it is like he knows what it does but more so i am disappointed in myself for always going back for more. it is like hope for something else when i know that all i will get is the same thing. the same hurt. the same confusion. more of the usual.

i shouldn't take it so personal but yet and still i do. my head just ponders why i can attempt to be so strong with other things but this i can't shake. luckily i had sunglasses on 'cause i could feel my eyes well up a little and i just put my head down and kept walking. defeated. lost.

see the thing is that i know i have time to get all this crap figured out but instead i want to be at this race car speed that will just get me to the destination i want to get to. i don't want to be famous. i don't want to be rich. i just want to be able to sustain doing what i love and be able to share something with someone else. social status doesn't matter. i am not trying climb any ladders in that realm. if i could, i would stay in everyday, but for me that is not realistic. i can't shelter myself away from the world that much 'cause i need some genuine interaction with other human beings. and sadly that is when you see me out. not that all my interactions when i am out at a bar or party are genuine, but they are something to getting me out of the little hole that i have dug for myself.

so here i sit at a cafe listening to robyn's "any time you like" on repeat, lingering on every word just trying to gain the power back. fine with me if it take a few moments, but it is what i need.....

sophisticated side ponytail...

new day. new post...

not much really going on in my life besides getting shit together for voltage. it's been crazy and really all i hope is that i can pull it off. it would mean a lot to me and i think the main thing i need to do at this point is put all my belief in myself for this one...

this last weekend was amazing though. lily allen rocked my world i must say, as corny as that sounds. dan, sonny and i hung out at my place a short while before though show and then headed over to first ave for a truly great night. natalie portman's shaved head (yes that is the name of a band) opened and i was truly mesmerized by the guitarist, though the highlight for sure was the girl keyboardist singing about a side ponytail. truly sick. and then lily came on looking amazing and hot. if i had the chance, i think i would. but i must say she wore the cutest shoes ever. pretty sure they were sequined miu miu's but seriously, who cares? near the middle of her set, she kicked them off, lit a cigarette and put on some white high top nikes.

honestly, i loved the concert mostly because i got to experience it with one of my best friends. it was his first show and he seemed to be just as excited about it as i was so it gave me complete license to be a massive and utter nerd for the time. sad point though was leaving because as soon as the show was done i had to be at my bar and work. oh well. money is money. but still i would have loved to have the night with my bestie....

maps....

jill scott playing in the background as i skip from one place to another on this long day.

worked this morning. dealt with the usual shit mall of america suburban crowd and helped dressed them in the simple basic my store has to offer. for now chilling at the coffee shop down the street reading over emails until i have to go in and work the door at the bar tonight.

last night just seemed to be another basic night beers at the teener and my favorite after bar of a mcdonald's double quarter with cheese. makes for a good night in my head, but in the morning it is a whole different store.

all i really ponder in my head today is how long i can staying away from some of my vices in life. the self inflicted mental abuse. endless nights of no sleep. sex. the not eating. those things that i turn to when i just want a glimmer of control in my life. kinda sucks that i go to these continually. some more than others. but i really am just trying to stick to this as my only outlet. my main hope for tonight is that it all goes swimmingly. i just kick back, check id's, and go on with my night. no harm. no foul. we will see if that happens, but for now hope is all i got....

new....

hey world

my name is trevor and i am 21 year old kid just living the dream in small city u.s.a. some of you may know me from my former incarnation (spritecoke.blogspot.com) but to those who don't, here is the run down.

i have been through some things in my life, but i know it is far from over. i am not trying to play the whoa is me card here. instead i am just trying to be open and upfront about the shit in my life and what i am going through. some will be good. many times it will be bad. just hopefully you understand the place it is coming from.

right now my focus has been on work 'cause the personal life has not been going so swimmingly. i bartend at possibly the coolest place i could. it has become my refuge from the madness inside my head. my bosses are the shit. my co-workers are all so interesting with great stories to tell and personalities that just make me lucky to be there. i also work in retail and one of the fastest growing clothing companies in the nation, which has its ups and downs. ups: chances for further growth within, ability to learn and be creative, and an awesome discount. downs: unorganized structure and inexperience. it has become a place of many laughs but at other times a place of frustration.

mainly though, my focus has been on trying to figure out what i really want to do professionally. currently, i am trying to gain experience and build my portfolio as a fashion stylist, putting together looks for photo shoots and runway presentations. so far feed back has been good, but i really do want to hear the negative as well as i grow. i pick myself a part more than most people think. wonder why i did things that way and what i can do to make myself better. currently, i am working on a project where i just want to do my best to impress but really wonder will it all come together. will this really help me? can this lead to anything new for me? will the person i am assisting really like what i am doing? it is scary. but another part of me is just ready for it to happen.

personally, my life is shit. well maybe not my friend situation, but definitely my love life. my friends are awesome. well at least the ones i truly consider friends. the ones that i know will be there. last night was a prime example. i was down and deep in one of my depressing fits, loathing in some self imposed despair, when dan just came and sat there. not many words spoken. it wasn't needed. i just needed someone there, otherwise who knows what crazy antics i could have gotten myself into. he just sat there. tight lipped. no prodding for thoughts. no asking me what was wrong. just sat there. it was what i needed and he knew that.

dan is possibly one of the best people in my life since i moved here. not to talk him up, but all i want is the best for him. sometimes i do wonder about how our relationship has develop and the things that could have been, but more so i am glad to see what we have become.

other friends in my life:

ben - the stylish counterpart that always reminds me that no matter what shit is going on, fabulous is a state of mind and state of dress

ryan a.k.a. double d - the iowa boy who takes no prisoners and reminds me that being honest and forthright is the best way to go about things and that a little attitude goes a long way

trish - my new girly who keeps me in check with her wise cracks and blunt nature

chris - my best friend from cali who though we don't talk as much as i would like (mainly 'cause his phone is shut off) i always think about him and what he would do

these people know my story, whether they have been in my life for two weeks or 11 years. they are why i think i can do anything. the next step is believing i can and making it happen.

now my love life, it has been plagued by the what ifs and the maybes. plenty of times where i wonder what i did wrong or what i could have done to make things better. the last year has been done in with a chance of the ryans. too many to count and too many to keep worry over. all i can say is that if i meet one more ryan in this city, i may just have find a new place to go. i can't put all blame on others in this city. a lot of the abuse has been self imposed. falling into the same situations and letting there be a false belief of something better coming. it is better said as "i am a weapon of massive consumption. and its not my fault, it's how i'm programmed to function." it is this cycle of shit that i am willing to consume over and over again, but seemingly and not able to get out of my system. so then my feelings get hurt and then comes on the drinking. and the smoking. and the drinking. and the drunken tyraids. and the attitude. and the smart ass-ness. i quite enjoy that sometimes, but i need to be better about it.

other than that, there really isn't much more to my life. just work. friends. and the search for a companion. i don't say love 'cause i am not quite sure if that feasible thing for me right now. maybe one day. maybe not. so this will be my outlet i guess. my mind therapy. 'cause i don't quite believe in actual therapy and i have always kept to myself. until now i guess. this will be outlet for the here and now. experiencing my good and my bad.

stay tuned i guess.....